what matters most

I spent some time over our spring break cleaning out and giving away. Why do we always find that such a hard charge...

the struggle of letting go while memories twirl around us like snowflakes and we elusively try to capture and hold onto them. Oh, the mama's heart pain of letting go while at the same time trying to completely embrace the moment we are in.

I opened one big tall box of dresses...beautifully, delicately smocked with love by my best friend. And I remember. Worn often now, but stored first at at time when my heart literally ached for one more little girl to follow her one sister and five brothers.

Dresses my hands had hung up while my throat burned heavy and everything blurred, dresses of an only daughter with five brothers. Little pieces of lace and french sewn knots I had once sealed up in a box with prayers for giggles and and curls and one more girl.

It was just the beginning. So many blessings. The beautiful girl that spun around in those dresses grew lovely and mature, and those boys grew into manhood. And God blessed my dreams.

Not perfection, but more like messy and unfinished, in process, growing, becoming...

And when not one, but three-more-prayed-for-girls popped downstairs later Saturday afternoon ready to head out, one happily twirled a long ago smocked dress skirt for us. And the lump in my throat caught hard.

The unexpected moments stun you. When, like the stillness of my camera before I shoot, all stands quiet for a moment. You remember. And you wonder where all the time went. You question. Did you soak up every prayed for, wished for minute?...

Why is it when we wake to all that is keenly right in life that we ache sting instead of feeling exquisite joy?

How does a mama heart grieve the passing of her babies but not miss the the joy of her children now?

How does a heart sorrow over the time forever gone and still be present to the wonder of the time that is now?

How to do we let go of what once was and accept what now is?

As I quickly swiped my tear, I whispered to Kimber. "'Member you promised me you you wouldn't grow anymore!"

And she in her sprite-full, wavy haired wisdom said.."oh, but I have to...cause you know I am becoming a dancer and I want to be in a big company someday"...

As Kylie eagerly reminded of her latest dream to become a neurosurgeon,

and little bit piped in that she wants to be a cooker girl and marry daddy.

Time,... elusive, coming, going, reminding, making accountable, unstoppable.

The following hours spent wrapping my head around that little interlude brought a bit of clarity.

Grateful...that's it...the only emotion that can bring those distinct opposites together. A polarizing word.

Your soul can be grateful in those heart flipping memories, even the hard ones. He was the conductor then.

And you can be grateful in the magic of this very moment. He is the conductor now.

Thankful for both. Thankful in both.

Life as a symphony, with many opus'. Some dissonant, some exhilarating, some restful.

Pausing to listen and focus on a bit of the symphony was good for my soul.

And I know the next notes are coming, even as the grace notes of the last opus sound softly in the background. Makes for a beautiful dance.

Grateful today.